My Blog- by Heather Finn

I really hope you like me.

You were always on my mind…. April 4, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — hfinn212 @ 2:33 pm

Ok, so I have been trying to think of things to tell you all. And thoughts, they’ve been a’swirlin’. So I decided to bring you the bullet points of my brain.  Are you as excited as I am?

 

– I have become “that person.” You know the one- when you get a library book and it’s all mucked up and you’re like “Ew!! What did you DO to this? It’s a LIBRARY BOOK! Other people have to read this!!!”  I won’t say what I did but reading when brushing your teeth is probably not the best idea.

 

– My new favorite phrase is “Blowing sunshine up your ass.”  It’s not something that works in every situation but when it’s right, it’s so right.

 

–  I hate getting older. Right now I have a crick in my neck (ps. part of getting older includes words like ‘crick’) that I KNOW I would not have gotten at 20. I have no idea how I did it. Maybe when it happened when I sewed the button on this morning.

 

-I SEWED A BUTTON ON THIS MORNING! I mean, I for real sewed it on myself. Finally my little bag o’buttons came in handy and instead of trashing a pair of pants for missing a button (ok, I never did that but I’ve considered it. Instead they usually sit in my closet for years) I fixed it myself. Who am I? Seriously, can you believe it?

 

– But that leads to this: In my button bag I have about 42 hundred of those string samples. You know, you buy a nice sweater and it comes with a web wrapped around a piece of paper. What the hell are you supposed to do with that? Darn it yourself? It makes no sense. Even if I could remember what sweater each piece of yarn connected to I’m pretty sure the best I could do would be to staple it to whatever hole I was trying to patch. Which I don’t think is the intended usage.

 

– I am sick of people telling me that Easter is not my holiday and I am stealing it from them. For your information my stepmother is not Jewish so we celebrate all the Christian holidays. Next thing you’re going to do is tell me I shouldn’t have taken communion that one time as a kid (wait, does that make me Christian? I think it might.)  Jews would never make someone feel bad for going to a Seder. Mainly because we don’t entirely want to be there ourselves and misery truly loves company. 

 

I think the rest of my thoughts are either dirty or pathetic so I’ll leave it there. Til next time!

XO

 

Friends… I will remember you… April 2, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — hfinn212 @ 4:53 pm

Just so you know, I actually started writing this on Friday night. But I was a little, um, altered so it wasn’t the most coherent thing ever. So I’ve cleaned it up a bit, added a little more and here we are:

 

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately.

 

My whole life I’ve considered myself a loner. I had friends but at the end of the day I always felt alone.  I would hang out, have sleep overs, talk to people on the phone… but was just as happy sitting alone reading, watching TV or generally being by myself. My elementary and middle school friendships faded, followed by the implosion of my high school friendships. My college friendships endured for a while but children and geography got the better of them.  I made friends through work and other things but they never seemed to last. People are busy, me included, and friendship never seemed to have the same priority that it did when we were younger. Gone were the sleep overs, the daily phone calls (or even emails.) When I needed someone in the middle of the night I didn’t have anyone to call. I didn’t have anyone I felt truly comfortable and safe with. I thought I was just someone who would never have best or lifelong friends. I thought I lacked the friendship gene. I would see people with lifelong friendships and be jealous. Why didn’t I have that? Why did people seemingly just go from my life? Facebook just amplified that for me. I would see the people who had floated out of my life remain friends with people we knew and be so jealous. I felt like I was on the outside looking in.

 

Over the course of my life I have blessed with amazing friends. People who come through right when you need it, right when you least expect it. People who have shown up.  I have loved and been loved by truly amazing people. And I’ve taken all of it for granted. I looked at infinite kindness and love and didn’t see it for what it was. I didn’t see it in 3D. I saw one side and it wasn’t a true one. I have let people I loved go. I have resented and complained.   And, I recently realized, in all my 35 years I have never once considered what I meant to the friends I’ve had. Only what they meant to me. Friends came and went and, though there have been some I’ve missed, it honestly never phased me.  I never even gave a thought to what losing the friendship meant to them. And that shames me. I know that we can only see things through our own eyes, our own feelings but at the same time- how selfish have I been? How foolish? Who am I to think only of myself?

 

Last December I woke up totally alone for the first time in twelve and a half years. While I might have passed a night crying about being a rock (please tell me you get that reference), I still got into bed every night with my two best friends. I woke up with them every morning. There was no space away from them, no time they weren’t there for me or with me. I told them all my secrets, went to them for comfort, loved them as I never thought possible. They were with me for every single thing that happened in my adulthood. They celebrated and mourned with me. And I took them for granted more than anyone else. I looked through them in many ways, many many times. Until they weren’t there any more. Every night I dragged myself off to silence, woke up to the same emptiness. That’s when I realized I’d never been alone all along. I always had someone- I just might not have seen them. I might not have appreciated them. I held everyone at arm’s length, truly afraid of losing them. And then I did. And I didn’t know how I would survive without them.

 

And that’s when something amazing happened. People started to come back to me. Maybe that’s the wrong way to say it- I started to come back to people. I stopped hiding behind my loner facade and began to allow myself to need people. To not just have friends but to really be a friend (I hope.)  I let people back in. It’s hard. There are times I want to hide. As I said the other day, it’s hard to ask for help. I’m still not good at it but I’m trying. It’s especially hard because so many people don’t understand or appreciate what it’s like to lose a pet (that’s a post for another day) which makes it hard to explain all this.  There are still many times I feel alone and friendless. I still want to have someone to call in the middle of the night. Or to complain to without feeling like a burden. But things are slowly changing.

 

To my friends I want to say:  I love you so much. I am so grateful to you and honored by your friendship.   I appreciate you for sticking by me, making me laugh, being there when I cry and generally being your amazing selves.  I am in awe of each one of you and so glad to be a part of your lives. I hope that I can be there for you as you are for me. I know I don’t say it enough but I am thankful for you. Every day.

XO.

Heather

 

How does this “happen”? March 30, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — hfinn212 @ 4:26 pm

And by “this” I mean the whole blogging business. Do I have to plan what I’m going to say each day? Have a theme? Trademark a kicky little phrase like “Phew” or “Boo.” (Side note: I do truly believe that I am the one who started the current popularity of “Meh,” “Spency,” “Spency,” and “Hundredaire.” You’re welcome.)  I have been wracking my brain for good topics to talk to you guys about: things that will titillate (tee hee) or amuse or, you know, generally endear you to me. But I’m at a loss. (And, not for nothin’, I’m pretty sure I’m already as endearing as I’ll ever be.)

 

I could tell you how my mom lives with the whoringest ™ dog in the history of dogs. She literally humped her sister’s neck the other night. It’s funny but at the same time I feel like I need to register her with a Dog Sexual Predator website or something. Which is not a bad idea to start. I may need to create it and bring it to Shark Tank (the greatest show on television right now.)  I may even become a multi-hundredaire from that one!

 

I could tell you about how tired I am. But how boring would that be? Then you could tell me how tired YOU are and then we wouldn’t have anything else to say about that.

 

I could ask you to buy me a cheeseburger. Because I really want one. As a girl on a diet and a budget I’m trying never to order lunch or eat like that 2 days before weigh in. BUT I figure if someone else buys me a cheeseburger then I could get around the diet stuff. Free food is always calorie free, right? I would even spring for my own fries.

 

I could tell you my weekend plans but they involve the dentist (I should just move there) and working and a dog rescue meeting and could not be less exciting.  Maybe I should make up weekend plans and tell you those. Like how I’m going white water rafting and then camping…… Wait, that would NEVER EVER EVER happen. Not even in a dream. AHAHAHAHAHA. Actually I am going to look for prom dresses so that’s something fun. For myself.  Just kiddin. For my niece. But I’m happy to go if anyone in her class wants to invite me (hint hint.)

 

How about we make this thing interactive (and so I can tell if anyone’s actually reading it) and you tell me what you want me to talk about. Deep issues like loss and fear? Politics?  My hair (I could talk about my bangs ALL DAY so just say the word)?  Anything else? Or should I just generally clown around like usual?

 

Holla at me. 

 

 

Breathe in… Breathe out… Hit post. March 29, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — hfinn212 @ 5:11 pm
The most important things are the hardest things to say.
-Steven King

I’ve loved this quote since 8th grade. It’s so true. The most important things are the hardest things to say. For me that’s things like “I love you,” “You hurt me,” “I need you” or “I need help.” It’s also as simple as just telling someone that I’m not ok. I hate saying I’m not ok. Even to myself. But admitting I wasn’t ok last August finally got me to start being ok again. I’d been feeling so good about myself lately- working out, working on myself. It was such a tough year last year and I am finally on the road back. Or so I thought.

Last week something unexpected and awesome happened. I met a guy I liked, we went out. And then I lost my mind. Completely. 100%. Somehow meeting someone woke up the craziest, most insecure feelings I’ve had in a long time. The ironic thing was that I thought he sort of liked me too. But for some reason, in my head, that didn’t matter. Couldn’t be. What my head instead filled with was doubt. I second guessed every single thing about it. It was torture. No matter how many times my friends reassured me how great I was or I reminded myself of my good qualities it didn’t matter. In my head I was an unlovable loser who wouldn’t get the guy.

And because of those thoughts running through my head, because of my overwhelming insecurity- I didn’t get the guy. Totally drove him away. I actually pointed out my insecurity to him in a joking way in a text, somehow thinking my honesty would be charming? Or that he would reassure me about how great I was (which he could never have done because he doesn’t know me at all. )

And then the embarrassment set in. The total humiliation of my insecurity, my neediness, my weakness. I was mortified. I wished I could take back my texts, my actions. What I really wished though was that I could take back my vulnerability. I felt exposed. I had been spending so much time trying to appear strong- fake it til you make it, right?- that here I was showing myself for who I really am. To a virtual stranger. Years ago I was in a bar with a friend and someone I didn’t know that well and I started telling some story that was obviously painful for me but I was trying to joke it off. And when my acquaintance went to the bathroom my friend turned to me and said, “Don’t do that. Don’t tell people those sorts of stories. Save them for your friends who love you.” I was dumb struck. He was right. I’ve always been an open book. And I’ve always joked away the things that mattered most to me. I’ve prided myself on being (nearly) totally honest. But being honest doesn’t mean being totally transparent, totally open. It’s something I often forget (and that my parents have to remind me of when I tell them too much about my life.) I need to learn to edit myself or, at least, to know my audience. And save the things that matter for the people who know me and who will care and show kindness. I need to not joke away the things that are important, that hit the true heart of me. Clearly, this guy was not the right audience. No matter how kind he might have been (and how would I know, I don’t even know him) that was something I should have saved for someone else.

Kindness. This is something I also pride myself on. I try to be kind to everyone; even strangers. Everyone, that is, except myself. I am rougher on myself than anyone ever could be. I do not give myself a break, I do not allow myself to have rough days. Or I didn’t. Until my lovely friend Elisabeth told me for the umpteenth time that I need to be kind to myself. And then someone else told me I had to be my own best and loving parent. Then I finally got it. This week was terrible for me. I hate being vulnerable. I was embarrassed. So embarrassed. But the past few days I’ve finally realized that it’s ok to be vulnerable. To admit that I want love. That I actually want to be loved so badly that it sometimes makes me a little nuts. And it’s ok to be a little nuts. We all are. That makes us human. It’s imperfect and messy and sometimes we’ll be embarrassed. Which is great. Because everyone has those days. And there are people in your life who will love that about you. They’re the ones you tell these stories to.

I’m still a little sad over the events of the week. Still wish I could take them back or have a do over. But I’m not beating myself up about it. I’m learning from it and next time, and I know there will be a next time, I’ll be a little kinder to myself when I start to feel insecure. I’ll appreciate my vulnerability. I’ll make sure to cut myself a break.I can be true and honest and vulnerable and it’s ok.

And I’ll probably put it out there. In some way. But definately not in a text to the guy.
 

You asked for it….

Filed under: Uncategorized — hfinn212 @ 3:33 pm

Ok, you didn’t ask for it. Out loud. But in your heads you were all “When is Heather going to start blogging?” I know, I heard you.  I’ve been resisting because really, who needs to hear more from me and then I realized everyone. Amirite? (Seriously I think that looks so ridiculous but it makes me laugh looking at it and saying it in my head. You too?) I mean, a status update is just not enough room. Plus, I feel like I always need to be funny in my updates. Like I have to impress the Facebook world. To out funny all the other funny people I’m friends with.  Which is hard. I know a lot of funny people. And sometimes I have something else to say. Something harder or sadder or more honest.  Something not suitable for Facebook.

So here I am.  We’ll see how this works. I read a lot of design blogs and blogs from authors I like. But not a lot of personal blogs (Dear friends who have personal blogs, I love you. I just don’t read you. Well, sometimes. Just maybe not on the regular. I’m sorry. Did I say I loved you?) So I’m not really sure how this works. But I’ll work it out. Or abandon it in a week. We’ll see.  For now here I am. Posting this and another, far more personal (too personal?) blog later today. We’ll see how it goes.

Welcome. To me. Thanks for coming.

H