My Blog- by Heather Finn

I really hope you like me.

How does this “happen”? March 30, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — hfinn212 @ 4:26 pm

And by “this” I mean the whole blogging business. Do I have to plan what I’m going to say each day? Have a theme? Trademark a kicky little phrase like “Phew” or “Boo.” (Side note: I do truly believe that I am the one who started the current popularity of “Meh,” “Spency,” “Spency,” and “Hundredaire.” You’re welcome.)  I have been wracking my brain for good topics to talk to you guys about: things that will titillate (tee hee) or amuse or, you know, generally endear you to me. But I’m at a loss. (And, not for nothin’, I’m pretty sure I’m already as endearing as I’ll ever be.)

 

I could tell you how my mom lives with the whoringest ™ dog in the history of dogs. She literally humped her sister’s neck the other night. It’s funny but at the same time I feel like I need to register her with a Dog Sexual Predator website or something. Which is not a bad idea to start. I may need to create it and bring it to Shark Tank (the greatest show on television right now.)  I may even become a multi-hundredaire from that one!

 

I could tell you about how tired I am. But how boring would that be? Then you could tell me how tired YOU are and then we wouldn’t have anything else to say about that.

 

I could ask you to buy me a cheeseburger. Because I really want one. As a girl on a diet and a budget I’m trying never to order lunch or eat like that 2 days before weigh in. BUT I figure if someone else buys me a cheeseburger then I could get around the diet stuff. Free food is always calorie free, right? I would even spring for my own fries.

 

I could tell you my weekend plans but they involve the dentist (I should just move there) and working and a dog rescue meeting and could not be less exciting.  Maybe I should make up weekend plans and tell you those. Like how I’m going white water rafting and then camping…… Wait, that would NEVER EVER EVER happen. Not even in a dream. AHAHAHAHAHA. Actually I am going to look for prom dresses so that’s something fun. For myself.  Just kiddin. For my niece. But I’m happy to go if anyone in her class wants to invite me (hint hint.)

 

How about we make this thing interactive (and so I can tell if anyone’s actually reading it) and you tell me what you want me to talk about. Deep issues like loss and fear? Politics?  My hair (I could talk about my bangs ALL DAY so just say the word)?  Anything else? Or should I just generally clown around like usual?

 

Holla at me. 

 

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Breathe in… Breathe out… Hit post. March 29, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — hfinn212 @ 5:11 pm
The most important things are the hardest things to say.
-Steven King

I’ve loved this quote since 8th grade. It’s so true. The most important things are the hardest things to say. For me that’s things like “I love you,” “You hurt me,” “I need you” or “I need help.” It’s also as simple as just telling someone that I’m not ok. I hate saying I’m not ok. Even to myself. But admitting I wasn’t ok last August finally got me to start being ok again. I’d been feeling so good about myself lately- working out, working on myself. It was such a tough year last year and I am finally on the road back. Or so I thought.

Last week something unexpected and awesome happened. I met a guy I liked, we went out. And then I lost my mind. Completely. 100%. Somehow meeting someone woke up the craziest, most insecure feelings I’ve had in a long time. The ironic thing was that I thought he sort of liked me too. But for some reason, in my head, that didn’t matter. Couldn’t be. What my head instead filled with was doubt. I second guessed every single thing about it. It was torture. No matter how many times my friends reassured me how great I was or I reminded myself of my good qualities it didn’t matter. In my head I was an unlovable loser who wouldn’t get the guy.

And because of those thoughts running through my head, because of my overwhelming insecurity- I didn’t get the guy. Totally drove him away. I actually pointed out my insecurity to him in a joking way in a text, somehow thinking my honesty would be charming? Or that he would reassure me about how great I was (which he could never have done because he doesn’t know me at all. )

And then the embarrassment set in. The total humiliation of my insecurity, my neediness, my weakness. I was mortified. I wished I could take back my texts, my actions. What I really wished though was that I could take back my vulnerability. I felt exposed. I had been spending so much time trying to appear strong- fake it til you make it, right?- that here I was showing myself for who I really am. To a virtual stranger. Years ago I was in a bar with a friend and someone I didn’t know that well and I started telling some story that was obviously painful for me but I was trying to joke it off. And when my acquaintance went to the bathroom my friend turned to me and said, “Don’t do that. Don’t tell people those sorts of stories. Save them for your friends who love you.” I was dumb struck. He was right. I’ve always been an open book. And I’ve always joked away the things that mattered most to me. I’ve prided myself on being (nearly) totally honest. But being honest doesn’t mean being totally transparent, totally open. It’s something I often forget (and that my parents have to remind me of when I tell them too much about my life.) I need to learn to edit myself or, at least, to know my audience. And save the things that matter for the people who know me and who will care and show kindness. I need to not joke away the things that are important, that hit the true heart of me. Clearly, this guy was not the right audience. No matter how kind he might have been (and how would I know, I don’t even know him) that was something I should have saved for someone else.

Kindness. This is something I also pride myself on. I try to be kind to everyone; even strangers. Everyone, that is, except myself. I am rougher on myself than anyone ever could be. I do not give myself a break, I do not allow myself to have rough days. Or I didn’t. Until my lovely friend Elisabeth told me for the umpteenth time that I need to be kind to myself. And then someone else told me I had to be my own best and loving parent. Then I finally got it. This week was terrible for me. I hate being vulnerable. I was embarrassed. So embarrassed. But the past few days I’ve finally realized that it’s ok to be vulnerable. To admit that I want love. That I actually want to be loved so badly that it sometimes makes me a little nuts. And it’s ok to be a little nuts. We all are. That makes us human. It’s imperfect and messy and sometimes we’ll be embarrassed. Which is great. Because everyone has those days. And there are people in your life who will love that about you. They’re the ones you tell these stories to.

I’m still a little sad over the events of the week. Still wish I could take them back or have a do over. But I’m not beating myself up about it. I’m learning from it and next time, and I know there will be a next time, I’ll be a little kinder to myself when I start to feel insecure. I’ll appreciate my vulnerability. I’ll make sure to cut myself a break.I can be true and honest and vulnerable and it’s ok.

And I’ll probably put it out there. In some way. But definately not in a text to the guy.
 

You asked for it….

Filed under: Uncategorized — hfinn212 @ 3:33 pm

Ok, you didn’t ask for it. Out loud. But in your heads you were all “When is Heather going to start blogging?” I know, I heard you.  I’ve been resisting because really, who needs to hear more from me and then I realized everyone. Amirite? (Seriously I think that looks so ridiculous but it makes me laugh looking at it and saying it in my head. You too?) I mean, a status update is just not enough room. Plus, I feel like I always need to be funny in my updates. Like I have to impress the Facebook world. To out funny all the other funny people I’m friends with.  Which is hard. I know a lot of funny people. And sometimes I have something else to say. Something harder or sadder or more honest.  Something not suitable for Facebook.

So here I am.  We’ll see how this works. I read a lot of design blogs and blogs from authors I like. But not a lot of personal blogs (Dear friends who have personal blogs, I love you. I just don’t read you. Well, sometimes. Just maybe not on the regular. I’m sorry. Did I say I loved you?) So I’m not really sure how this works. But I’ll work it out. Or abandon it in a week. We’ll see.  For now here I am. Posting this and another, far more personal (too personal?) blog later today. We’ll see how it goes.

Welcome. To me. Thanks for coming.

H